Psychoanalysis posits that a child’s unconscious desire towards the opposite-sex parent and rivalry towards the same-sex parent give rise to neurosis and mental illness in adulthood, if not sufficiently overcome. Yet, a closer examination reveals a logical and empirical flaw in how these dynamics are understood. To see it clearly, let’s delve into Jamie’s story.
A house of three
Jamie grew up in a spacious, sunlit apartment in the heart of the city. Jamie was only four years old:
One evening, Jamie watches as Mum and Dad cook together, laughing over a shared joke. Dad hands Mum a tasting spoon, and their fingers brush, a moment of contact that seems both accidental and charged.
After the meal is prepared, Jamie is told to sit at the table. They all take their seats and Mum initiates a light-hearted conversation. ‘Hope you’re hungry,’ Mum says with a warm smile, passing Dad the serving dishes.
After the meal, the three sit around on the sofa. The couple talk about tomorrow’s plans, while Jamie plays with his toys. Suddenly, Mum leans in to give Dad a gentle, lingering kiss. She smiles and whispers something in Dad’s ear, stands up and leads him by the hand towards the bedroom. After a short while, Mum comes back, ‘It’s time for bed, darling!’ She takes the boy to his room, tucks him into bed and gives him a warm kiss goodnight.
The apartment, once filled with the day’s energy, settled into a quiet that was both comforting and isolating. Slowly, Jamie drifts off to sleep, surrounded by strange sounds coming from Mum and Dad’s room.
Try putting yourself in Jamie’s shoes, though he is very small. How do you feel about this situation? How do you feel generally in your life? Would you love and hug Mum the day after? How about Dad?
A house of two
Fast forward twenty years into the future. Jamie lives with two friends, Rachel and Sam, in a spacious, sunlit apartment in the heart of the city:
One evening, Jamie watches as Rachel and Sam cook together, laughing over a shared joke. Sam hands Rachel a tasting spoon, and their fingers brush, a moment of contact that seems both accidental and charged.
After the meal is prepared, Jamie is invited to sit at the table alongside Rachel and Sam. As they all take their seats, Rachel initiates a light-hearted conversation. ‘Hope you’re hungry,’ Rachel says with a warm smile, passing Jamie the serving dishes.
After the meal, the three sit around on the sofa talking about tomorrow’s plans. Suddenly, Rachel leans in to give Sam a gentle, lingering kiss. Then, Rachel smiles and whispers something in Sam’s ear, leading him by the hand towards the bedroom. Before they disappear, Rachel turns to Jamie, offering a warm, ‘Goodnight, Jamie,’ her voice carrying a blend of affection and a subtle finality.
The apartment, once filled with the day’s energy, settled into a quiet that was both comforting and isolating. Slowly, Jamie drifts off to sleep, surrounded by the echoes of Rachel and Sam’s lovemaking.
Imagine yourself in Jamie’s shoes now. How would you feel about this situation? What if you harboured feelings for Rachel? Would you love and hug her the day after? What about Sam? Would you be able to be their flatmate for a long time?
A lonely house
Two months later, Jamie has found a girlfriend, Emma. They move in together to a lovely, sunlight apartment in the heart of the city. Eventually, Jamie and Emma get married and have a child, Ethan. The boy is now four years old:
One evening, Jamie is late from work, much later than usual, and Emma’s anxiety mounts with every passing minute. ‘Why isn’t Dad home yet?’ Emma murmurs to Ethan, who is quietly seated at the kitchen table. She can’t help but suspect, perhaps unfairly, that Jamie might be having an affair.
With Jamie still absent and Emma’s worry turning into frustration, Emma serves the meal she prepared with extra care, hoping to bring some normalcy back to their evening. However, Ethan is hesitant. The dish is far from his usual preferences, but Emma insists. ‘You need to eat this, darling. It’s good for you,’ she says, her tone firm, leaving little room for refusal. Ethan, feeling cornered, reluctantly starts to eat, but his discomfort is evident in every bite.
When Jamie finally sets his fork down, unable to continue, Emma’s disappointment morphs into a sense of betrayal. ‘I spent so much time on this, and you can’t even bother to enjoy it!’
Interpretation
Jamie grew up in the same house, effectively, as his own son. Jamie harboured tender feelings for his mother, with whom he shared intimate, meaningful moments as a baby. However, Jamie accepted Mum and Dad’s relationship. Jamie did not get so upset about their behaviour that he would have to avoid them for the rest of his life. Jamie lived in this house of three for over twenty years. And he mostly enjoyed it, cherished it.
But somehow, Jamie was unable to tolerate a similar life situation as an adult. In fact, most people would not find themselves in it in the first place, especially if they harboured romantic feelings for one of their potential peers. Like Jamie, most of us would set up a separate home, a ‘house of two’, in the hope of keeping our beloved to ourselves. A family and social order emerges from these feelings of insecurity, along with the declaration of being someone’s boyfriend, girlfriend or spouse. This generates anxiety when our beloved seems to be drifting away from home.
Common domestic situations therefore arise in which parents, like Emma, project their anxiety and insecurity onto their children, demanding loyalty and obedience through feeding and other behaviours. Having her food consumed by Ethan is a symbolic way of feeling desired, to compensate for her troubles with Jamie, whom she calls ‘Dad’. But Emma’s status of being a wife and a mother forbids her from seeking the company of other men in the house of three they call ‘society’. The same is the case for Jamie, who calls Emma ‘Mum’, especially in Ethan’s presence. Emma wants Dad for herself; Jamie wants Mum for himself.
Conclusion
The emotions and behaviours central to the Oedipus complex are actually more prevalent in adult relationships than in children’s. This ‘Jocasta/Laius complex’ is the cornerstone of societal institutions like marriage and the family. The Oedipus complex is in fact the child’s projective identification with the opposite sex parent.
In the evolution of psychoanalytic thought, modern theories such as object relations and attachment theory have made significant strides in acknowledging the importance of relational and environmental factors in psychological development. These theories have expanded our understanding beyond Freud’s foundational concepts, introducing a nuanced perspective on how early experiences with caregivers shape an individual’s psyche. However, this evolution hints at the recognition that Freud’s concepts are upside down.
From a logical and empirical standpoint, it’s clear that children learn by observing and internalising the patterns of behaviour of the adults around them. The difficult emotions associated with the Oedipus complex are in fact a reflection of the child’s struggle to adapt to a world ruled by possessiveness and jealousy. We project adult emotions and societal constructs onto children, rather than recognising these emotions as part of the cultural fabric in which both children and adults are entwined.